Today I sat outside in the cold for the first time since being warm. There were so many thoughts fluttering about in my mind. Music hummed along with the sound of the wind through the trees and the ghost of a feeling began to well somewhere distant in me. I thought about how the other day at the funeral I saw my dad cry for the first time in my life. Ave Maria was echoing through the halls and I cried. Not because of our loss but because my dad cried. To me there was nothing else to cry about. When my dad passes I am not certain I will cry, but seeing him cry made me cry. I wondered if that is wrong. People have said it is. I have been avoiding people recently. I love being alone so deeply. There is truly nothing more beautiful to me than silence. It is a conundrum though as I do desire to be of use as well. While I could stare at the canopy of trees until time stops, I could also live in a closet only to be let out once a day to serve a meal. I think my deepest want is just to watch. I remember when I was young I would pray to live forever so I could watch how the world’s story played out. I know I have to play a part at times in this fascinating narrative, but I never wish to be the main character in any of it. I do not want to even be the main character in my own life. This would be easier to achieve if I had no name. I wonder if I could survive that way. I wonder if I would be allowed to live that way. I think that it is worth praying for once again.