i can’t go again. not because i can’t handle being there, but because i can’t endure coming back. i have withstood much. the presence of demons, the attacks of devils, communion with angels and even being utterly cut off from the very Silence i worship. the weight of the pattern isn’t more than i can handle, but returning… i am less each time i make my journeys. i can barely function within these constraints as it is. looking at them. attempting to communicate with them. the emptiness has only become more vast. it feels i can only have it one way or the other and i am terrified to choose. how can i commit to either?